Italy Phase II: Gratitude

It has been too long since I have written. We are now deep into the season of artichokes and raddicio. Alas, raddico from Treviso (the famous labor intensive and delicious variety) is no longer available. But we have Italian clementines!!! This blog is now part of what I think of as Italy Phase II. Returning to Italy after savoring a bit of home in Minnesota. I realized when I got home (to MN)that I had been starving on some level for the nourishment of friends and family and the general familiarity of being in my own language and culture. It was like being in comforable pajamas curled up in front of a fire with loved ones and hot chocolate. I can't express how much I received and how much stronger and more positive I feel now. I can say that October was probably the height of my challenge adjusting here in Italy. But light emerges from the dark and I definitely benefited from hitting a low and getting clear about what I really want from life. So........since I last wrote, I put in my two month notice at my job (which makes yesterday my official last day), decided that I really do know what I want to do as a vocation, and began the process of applying to graduate schools! I found a graduate institute with a Somatic Psychology program in California that has a distance program. Basically this would allow me to study here in Italy and attend the week long courses once per semester in San Francisco. My goal is to combine Shiatsu and healing work with Therapy and also work to create more research that examines the effectiveness of approaching healing through the mind body and spirit. If I am accepted, I would begin studying in September. It feels like all of these seemingly random roads that I have been travelling down are finally converging beneath my feet.

My very dear friend Dian, who has been a mentor and an amazing source of inspiration for me, died on the Winter Solstice. She lived with the intention of healing her ovarian cancer for the past five years. She was extremely couragious and tried to find a balance of following many aggressive chemotherapies as well as complimentary therapies like acupuncture, nutrition, and qigong. She lived way beyond what she was told and she lived with presence and positivity. She practiced being present and grateful for all of the beauty still in her life, the trees, the sky, her dogs, the excitement of Obama's election, the presence of her loved ones, the blessing of a good laugh, the silence in the night sky......and the many other things she revered that I have not mentioned. She also stayed present for the pain, the extreme hunger when one cannot eat, the fatigue and weakness and the frustration this causes. Someone wisely told me that she healed completely even if her body never recovered. She took the higher road and did her work spiritually to be awake even in the most unbearable of circumstances. One month before her death, she called me several times in Italy because she could hear from my voicemail that I was struggling. Again, she was so present. And like always, she offered me the deep listening and the loving challenges that only a true friend can offer. I have since learned from her family that she suffered a lot during her final two months. I realize even more now how loving she was to find the energy to put aside her own suffering and reach out to me at a time when it was difficult for her to walk across the room. I am so grateful that I was able to come home and be a part of her memorial service in MN. Once in awhile, I have an incredible wave of grief that comes over me. I miss her presence in my life. Yet there are days like yesterday, when the sky opens and suddenly it becomes possible to create a Shiatsu studio here in the house. I cannot help but wonder if she is helping to orchestrate some things for me from the other side. I acknowledge the mystery, the fact that we can only imagine where she is now and where we go when we die. What I do know for sure is that she has moved mountains in my heart and from here, her power and love still works its magic. I also know that if our loved ones can give alittle guidance from beyond, all of her family and friends and dogs can relax knowing they have a powerful ally working for their benefit.

Life goes on as it always does. I am trying to honor Dian by living my life with more presence and more gratitude. I am also writing more because this is something she has been riding me to do for the past few years. I secretly want to anyway, I just have to push past my habitual excuses.... And then there is Shiatsu which I really want to begin doing here. Dian was my Shiatsu mentor.....Today I spoke with an Italian woman who does Energetic Massage and lives 40 minutes away. I will take the train to try one of her massages in a couple of weeks and maybe I will study with her. This feels like an important connection that occurred after flipping through the yellow pages checking out the Shiatsu scene.

I am also in the process of studying and becoming certified to teach english. On Monday, I start my new job teaching english to adults at the Wall Street School in Mestre. It is very organized and corporate and sincerely, I can't wait to have a bit more structure and support in a job. I will only teach 16 hours and I hope to fill the rest with private lessons and Shiatsu. Things feel completely different now. Everything seems brighter, more possible, even living with my in- laws. This is the nature of how our ourlook (and reaction to our circumstances) affect our reality. There is no solid reality. We definitely affect what is possible. What have I learned from all of this? (1) Ask for help, don't try to survive when you are in over your head. (2) Take a risk if you know that your well-being depends on it - solutions will arrive once you take the leap of faith. (3) Be really honest with yourself, if you have a negative attitude even if it seems justified, push yourself to stretch more (like giving birth ladies) and find a way to act positive (even if it feels fake at first), (4) Remind yourself often, that this too will pass. (5) Make sure you nourish yourself with quality time with loved ones or solitude or whatever recharges you. (6) Practice random acts of Gratitude (kindness will follow).

I feel so grateful to have an amazing husband and a delightful son. I am also grateful to have such nurturing in laws (who are probably more patient and tolerant than I will ever know). I am thankful for having a fantastic family - incredibly large and truly unique - (including lots of special aunts, uncles and cousins). And also I feel so grateful for my dear friends, who are my spiritual family and have stuck with me through thick and thin.

Sending lots of love to all of you. Wishing you to realize the secret joy and passion in your heart!

Diane (Dy)

Wherever you go, there you are

So I really wanted to describe the fruit and post it since my last draft sat as a draft for nearly one month. Now I would like to describe a bit of the more personal aspects of our life here in Italy. I have been teaching for over a month now and it has been a bit of a roller coaster. I teach a combined class of second and third graders with two to three very disruptive kids (there is always at least one) and then 8 hours a week, I teach a great group of fourth and fifth graders. My biggest struggle with the younger ones has been classroom management since I regularly have the kids who stand on their desk, kick their twin sister, and run out of class or even attempt to run home. I have been told that this is a chronic problem. Everytime things have gotten totally chaotic to the point where I need someone from the main office to take one of the disruptive kids, mysteriously there is no one there and I am trying to be in two places at once - in the classroom which is getting progressively more chaotic or outside where the child is hiding under a table refusing to come out (or worse trying to leave the school). So to make a long story short, I have tried several approaches and I am now making progress handing out stars for good behavior which can be used to get candy (my mom's brilliant idea). Hmmmmm....... not exactly how I imagined spending my days in Italy but at least I can say that I am teaching them rather than being a referee. They are also very sweet and affectionate and hug me regularly. Even with the candy, things can get out of hand in a matter of minutes so it keeps me on my toes. I long for relaxing and rewarding time spent giving Shiatsus and I have found someone who would like me to work for her one half day a week. I am hoping that this may work out but this depends on how things go with Matteo.

As I wrote in an earlier blog, he started daycare at the school where I work, but after two weeks, it became clear that he was becoming more and more anxious with the situation. We discovered that he was with a large group of kids ranging from 2-6 years old and there were often not enough teachers for the 25 children. We found an amazing daycare where he is only with one and two year olds and he has the most wonderful teachers. They do alot of art, music and even work with an herb garden! He completed two weeks of the orientation and stayed two hours without Luciana and did not cry! But alas, he is home with a fever this week. Luciana has missed over a month of work since I began working because she is helping Matteo transition into daycare. Hopefully he will be ready after the next two weeks to stay an entire day by himself. I don't know if they do this slow of a transition in America but it is quite common here that you gradually move them from being home into daycare. I have Thursdays off so right now I spend it with Matteo. I miss him alot so I am grateful to have an extra day during the week to be with him but eventually he will go to daycare also on Thursday and I will have it free for doing Shiatsu and also for a little time to myself.

I am craving to take a yoga class and also to learn how to do mosaics. I have not met anyone with whom I really connect with or have more than very light conversations with and this is a source of sadness for me. It is the first time in my life where I really do not have friends near to me. I am grateful for the closeness I have with Giovanni and of course Matteo and Luciana and Gianny but I long to have another person outside of my family with whom I could confide or laugh with. It makes me really see how blessed I am to have the amazing friendships and family relationships I have back home. Sometimes, I feel OK not having friends here but that is usually after I have connected with one of you. So it is clear that it would benefit me greatly to email or call you all more often. I am also aware of the old habits and patterns of mine which would benefit me greatly to shift out of. One of those is some kind of barrier to pursuing the activities that bring me great joy such as yoga or art or exploring. Across so many different circumstances, I see how I have found excuses such as not enough time or other people's needs to explain why I am not doing the things I really deeply desire to do. Now stripped of my usual comforts and distractions, this has become much more obvious mainly because my overall well-being requires that I do something to center and nourish myself. Living with Giovanni's parents is a big gift, they are giving us so much and yet I find it to be one of the most difficult aspects of living here. I think because we are receiving so much and I have a hard time with that especially if I sense any resentment or judgement. There is still so much I do not understand in the language and even the way people express themselves here triggers me because to me I read it as anger. Giovanni told me that I really need to see a venetian comedy where everyone is yelling and complaining to each other to understand how to read the situation. I guess I never really identified with Minnesota nice but maybe it could be material for a play - minnesota nice meets venetian ranting and raving! There is actually a specific tone to Luciana's voice which makes me sit up in bed and strain my ears to hear whether she is complaining about me. Call it codependent paranoia or call it cultural misperceptions, but it seems to happen the most right around my period and then we have a very predictable encounter where we have to clear up the issue. Last period it was around placemats on the table for breakfast. She made a comment that it is very poor manners to not put a place mat down when you eat your breakfast. I was offended and I challenged her that this is a cultural perspective and that not everyone would agree and in fact, I didn't. In the end, we resolved everything and ironically later that day while shopping, I found (without looking for one) a placemat with little colored fish on it for Matteo. We both laughed and to this day, I use the placemats for breakfast even though I still don't think it is necessarily a superior practice. Other than this dynamic which I imagine stems mostly from me and maybe partly from Luciana doing too much for everyone else (but she gets to have her resentment right?), we get along really well. I still long for our own place but I know that I will miss the amazing meals she cooks for us, the cleaning she does and all the laundry she washes and irons. And of course, just having the chance to spend so many nice moments together cooking, or sipping expresso by the fire. Matteo adores her and he is usually quite content to stay with her when I leave in the morning. She sings to him, involves him in the cooking and plays all his favorite games. I can say that I do not worry at all when I go to work. We have all been sick for nearly a month with various manifestations of cold, cough, sore throat, ear infections, stomach issues etc. We are all hoping for a healthier November.

Giovanni is doing fantastic. He really likes his job and they already have entrusted him to go to Russia for a couple weeks to set up and work on some big machines. He is excited because they do not usually ask someone to go abroad until after one year of working for them and he will receive alot of extra money for being abroad. He is in the middle of the firefighting course and he has to wear a firefighting uniform to class which both he and Matteo enjoy immensely. Also his father bought him a wood lathe so he is now able to pursue his passion for wood turning.

Matteo is now speaking alot of Italian and still a good amount of english. He has even learned a bit of Venetian dialect. He loves to talk to strangers and regularly visits the neighbors for some good conversation and maybe a piece of fruit from their trees. I am hoping that he will soon be back to his full health.

We have exciting news. We bought tickets and are coming home on the 26th of December. We will be in Minnesota until January 7th. I am really excited to see everyone and have a dose of home. My aunt Joann and uncle Jeff just came and visited us for a couple days last week. They are travelling through Italy alone and with their gourmet cooking club. We really enjoyed having them here and sharing a bit of our life with them. Joann is a Parent and Child Educator and she gave me some very helpful tips for working with Matteo's growing temper tantrums and strong will. I have yet to discover an early child and family education class here in Italy so it was amazing to have personalized support around setting limits.

We are about to eat a fresh fish chowder and drink some wine. Ahhh the Italian life.... No it is true that there are many beautiful reasons to love Italy. Somedays, I really breathe in Italy and see the poignant beauty of the winding Roman streets and charming towns framed by fields. I pause and listen to the church bells and smile at the locals chatting outside of the Panificio or local cafe. Other days, I am drowning in my own struggles and long for some mother figure to recognize my suffering and give me a long knowing hug. These days, I listen to my ipod as I drive to work and let the music lift my perspective. I reassure myself that this moment too will pass and another one more, sweet and lovely will come. And it always does eventually.... In this way, I am growing up. I still have my tantrums in my head where I imagine insisting on returning home but I also really recognise the truth in the book title WHEREVER YOU GO, THERE YOU ARE (I think it is by John Kabbat Zinn). So I have the wonderful opportunity to really see which inner work I need to do and also I have the chance to really enjoy living in Italy.
Here when I am alone with my thoughts and struggles, I have had dark moments where I ask myself if there is something wrong with me since I am suffering in a situation that should be delightful and amazing.... I would like to send all the love and compassion that I have needed in those moments to all of you so that it is there awaiting you when you are sad or lonely or confused (or in whichever way you suffer). Here is a loving kindness blessing that we can say for ourselves and others.

May you be happy
May you be peaceful and at ease
May you accept yourself just as you are
May you be free to live and love fully.

This is my wish for all of us.

La Fruta!

The leaves are changing into brilliant shades of red and orange and finally the pomegranites are here! Our neighbor Hectore across the street has a tree that is bursting with fusia and you can buy them in all the local markets. Pomegranite is one of my favorite fruits as it reminds me of greek mythology and many special Winter Solstice rituals where we invite in our best intentions while eating pomegranite seeds. I definitely feel much more connected to fruit as a marker of seasonal time passing. Every two to three weeks, at least one new fruit appears on the trees and in the market stands. When we first arrived in July, we harvested wild blueberries and raspberries in the mountains and strawberries all over the yard. In August we discovered blackberries growing along a small winding street where we usually bike. Giovanni is passionate for fresh figs and we spent many August evenings biking with Matteo searching for fig trees where we might grab a couple. Giovanni warned that occasionally there are old men who sit with salt guns waiting to spray salt at you for stealing their fruit. This added a delightful element of danger but I never had the opportunity to dodge any salt! Septemeber means grape harvesting in Italy. We are fortunate to have abundant vines of concord style grapes growing high along the trelice above the garden. Once Matteo discovered the 'uva', he was constantly trying to move the ladder so that he could reach them. I was hoping to go to a local vineyard and do some grape stomping and wine tasting but the man at the local cantina informed us that the goverment prohibits the public from participating in the grape stomping since they cannot discern from the satelite pictures who is a person trying it out and who is an illegal worker. This sounded ridiculous to me but it is just another example of cultural differences in bureacracy. Either way, we have been drinking lots of fresh local wine from only 15 km away. Just last weekend, we ate the last bunch of grapes growing in our yard. And now, I must hurry and eat as many pomegranites as possible! More later....

Change

Nearly another month has passed. We have photos now which I am posting in prior blogs as well!

My big news is that I found a job teaching elementary children at an international school. It is ideal in the sense that they have a daycare/school for Matteo. We both started this Monday. Matteo went for just one hour and nonna Luciana and I were with him in the same room. He seemed to feel comfortable and had fun playing with all the new toys. He has a cold so he did not go on Tuesday or today. For me, it feels really strange to be back working full-time. This week consists of only half days and I have been tired after only four hours with the kids. Most of my classes will be teaching mathematics and english to second and third graders. I also will teach some theater. I teach the children in English and then have Italian teachers who teach the main subjects in Italian as well. My kids speak only the most basic english and they vary in their abilities. I have one new girl who does not speak any english. Almost all of the children are Italian and many of the parents run the school (it is an association/nonprofit) so I guess the kids sometimes threaten to have you fired. It is already quite a contrast to the American schools I have taught in with the children coming up and hugging and kissing the Italian teacher and sitting on her lap.

Tiramisu

It has been a really busy couple of weeks with my applying for jobs, finding a job!, and getting ready for the big transition from being mainly a stay at home mama to teaching elementary children english and math (more on that later). I had a lovely birthday. Luciana made me homemade Tiramisu (see the picture). We had a dinner with the entire family and I received some hot italian fashion (jeans with tight ankles, and shirts or dresses that are brown, gray, green, purple, or black). I'm curious if these fashion trends will reach MN. I also received calls and emails from many of you which always cheers me up. Giovanni organized a birthday celebration on the weekend with 20 of his friends and we drove to a beautiful villa in the wine country of Treviso and had a five course meal. Before arriving at the restaurant, we stopped at an outdoor wine bar where we drank local wine out of ceramic bowls. This place was quite particular in that it had an old amusement park of mechanical rides including a roller coaster. The rides were based on mechanical principals and did not use any electricity. There was no one supervising and all of us ran like wild children to try these thrilling and dangerous rides. This would be a huge liability suit in america. I have never seen anything so risky left to the amusement of wine imbibing adults. No one got hurt and I had so much fun. Unfortunately, the roller coaster was on the bottom of the curve and it looked unlikely that the pulley system was working. The guys spent quite a while competing at launching a heavy metal car around a circular track. Matteo was amused with the old military tank. After this episode, we spent the evening eating together. His friends surprised me with a fancy brief case for teaching and a beautiful shawl. They sung happy birthday passionately in italian and english throughout the evening. It was a warm birthday even though I missed being with my loved ones back home.

Chiuso per Ferie

I know that I promised photos and this is partly why I haven't been writing lately. The other reason is that everyone in Italy is on vacation during August and Giovanni even got one week off (even though he started his job only three weeks ago)! I am using one of the original digital cameras which means only 10 minutes of battery and a difficult downloading process so photos will appear asap. It is strange and liberating to see so many shops closed with a handwritten sign: chiuso per ferie (closed for vacation). Definitely not an American concept - we would only risk losing business for mandatory holidays like Christmas and Labor day. Giovanni's parents have three weeks off for vacation and are spending it in their house in the mountains. It is relaxing having our own space and cooking simpler meals.

I felt really satisfied with the vacation that we had. Everything happened in a delightfully unexpected way. Giovanni scheduled a paragliding flight for me on Monday so we drove up to the Mountains where he used to fly and ate lunch at a delicious restaurant along the way. I ate gnocci with wild boar and fresh porchini (wild mountain mushrooms), Giovanni ate a delicious second plate with rabbit and polenta and Matteo ate pasta and french fries (the best way to keep him occupied so we can enjoy a good meal). We drank a house cabarnet, followed by coffee and grappa. At the top of the mountain is a Refugio which is a basic hotel and restaurant. This Refugio is run by a young couple with three year old girl, Liu. They have a sandbox, a nursery full of toys, and even chickens, and donkeys. Matteo was thrilled to have other playmates and many new toys. I felt really nervous before my flight. It didn't help to see Felice (my copilot) having a drink with his buddies before our flight. I was also excited. I had dreamt many times about flying and this felt like the perfect moment to experience a different way of relating to the elements, to life in general. So by the time I had my harness on, I felt ready to let go. I was positioned in front and connected to Felice's harness and he instructed my in his broken english to just run when he commanded me. So, one two three, he pulled, I took two slow heavy steps forward and then began running as hard as I could feeling the weight of the paraglyde pull up just as I ran off the edge of the mountain and my legs were still running in mid air when Felice patted my shoulder, "you can relax now." I looked down and saw the specks of red tiled roofs below us, a huge silver lake in the distance, and the curve of piney mountains everywhere. I felt a sense of peace, a calm, a softness and I just kept reminding different parts of my body to relax. I felt the wind currents interacting with the paraglyde and Felice's skilled movements with the strings. He directed us over to the other side of the mountain where we could hopefully catch some thermal currents from the sun heated earth and gain height. We shot up slowly and I felt the thrill of working so naturally with wind and heat. Giovanni radioed us because I had the car key in my pocket and he needed it to pick us up at the landing spot in the valley. We flew over the refuge and I threw it down to Giovanni. Felice was definitely a pro. I could tell he had flown so many times by the way his "yahoo" sounded flat and unexcited. He would say "yahoo" in this really blah way every time he would do something exciting. I wondered if he still felt any thrill flying. This was how he made a living. He let me grab hold of the strings and practice turning, breaking, speeding up. It seemed so simple. I am sure it is completely different when you hit a cloud. When he announced that we would head down, I felt so disappointed. I found it so relaxing that I did not want to return to the heaviness of the earth. My fear returned when we got close to the land, I saw roofs and treetops and imagined my legs breaking. But actually, when we were almost on the ground, I straightened my body and began running again until my legs touched the ground and we came to a nice smooth stop. That was it, so peaceful and simple. I asked him after we landed if he often dreamed of flying. "Never" he said, "I always dream of falling." I found that fascinating.

We ended up spending the night at the Refugio because Felice offered to inspect Giovanni's paraglide and support him if he flew the next day. It was a wonderful evening. They prepared a candlelit dinner for all the guests in the nursery since most of us had children. We all ate together in one table. Matteo loved playing with the other children and when all the kids were in bed, we joined everyone downstairs for grappa and beer and talking late into the night. I especially enjoyed meeting a veteran paraglider who is in the Italian military. He spoke pretty good english having recently dated an american woman from Miami with very large breasts which she referred to as "the girls". He spent time in Afghanistan recently and shared some of his experiences. He also spoke about how certain he was that 911 was an inside job and that many people in Europe suspect this. It was interesting to me to have this military person who was serving in Afghanistan during the Bin Laden search and yet was critical of Bush and the entire 911 tradegy. He says that his military position lately involves sitting in an office waiting for the new computer system that he has been hired to set up. He has been waiting two years doing mostly nothing. He is bored and feels guilty that the Italian people are paying him to watch tv or try and find things to do.

Giovanni flew the next day successfully. I was more nervous during his flight than mine because he was alone and hadn't flown in over five years. When he landed, Mauro teased me, "he's alive!" While hanging out, I met an Italian woman from Italy who lived in California for six month and loves the Golden Girls. She spoke of how she appreciates the relationship between men and woman in America more and also likes the opportunities that are available if you have skills (whereas in Italy it depends more on connections). She does a type of Movement and positioning therapy and is opening a studio in Treviso (about 30 minutes from where we live). She is interested in possibly collaborating in the future. All of these little chance encounters are encouraging. We also met an older American woman who spends her summers in Tuscany making olive oil and invited us to stay at her house anytime. She wanted to show me her yoga swing which after hanging upside down, I held Matteo and suddenly it fell about three and half feet dumping me on the hard cement. I am still waiting to see if my backside heals well. Luckily Matteo, was held securely in my lap. The woman felt terrible. Not her fault. Perhaps this will get me to schedule some kind of bodywork for myself. We left happy, fulfilled and surprised at how little the lodging and food cost us. They were definitely generous with all the food they offered us. We spent a day relaxing at home and then drove with Giovanni's brother, Alberto, to some other Mountains to go rock climbing. Alberto has gotten really into climbing the past three years and I am so excited because this has always been a dream of mine to climb regularly. Alberto would go every weekend if he could. We brought Matteo and his cousin Davide and one of us watched the babies while the other ones climbed. This was my first time climbing in actual mountains and the vistas were beautiful! We headed the next day to Giovanni's house in the mountains where his parents are vacationing. We spent three relaxing days mostly in the forests hiking and hunting for mushrooms and raspberries. We discovered that Matteo can hike for hours and loves to walk on his own. I almost convinced Giovanni to try and hike with Matteo and I to the top of the Mountain. Maybe next time.

Groundlessness

Natural, propelled by the wind and thermal currents, simple, just a harness, instructor, and a large kite (paraglyde)....Yes I flew for the first time in my life this week!! It was very similar to the sensations of flying that I have experienced in dreams. I found it very relaxing and once we jumped off the edge of the moutain, I did not experience fear until we were about to land. It was wonderful to embody groundlessness. Lately, I have been exploring groundlessness (in the buddhist sense) as a way to work with anxiety or strong emotions. For example, rather than trying to find a way to feel better or strengthen my sense of self (which is a way to try to get solid ground under our feet), I have been inviting the sensations or emotions in, really sensing them rather than resisting them. Here is a poem by Rumi that reminds me of this process:

The Guest House

This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.
A joy, a depression, a meanness, some momentary awareness comes as an unexpected visitor.
Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they're a crowd of sorrows, who violently sweep your house empty of its furniture, still treat each guest honorably. It may be cleaning you out for some new delight.
The dark thought, the shame, the malice, meet them at the door laughing, and invite them in.
Be grateful for whoever comes, because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.

-Rumi

Also on this note, I have been practicing a process called Tonglen introduced to me by Pema Chrodrin (in the book, When Things Fall Apart -I highly recommend it). It goes against the grain of what we habitually do when we encounter suffering, ours or that of others. When you are suffering, instead of resisting, breathe in the sensation of suffering or the emotion you are struggling with and exhale relief or whatever would bring relief for you. Do this for a few breaths. Than imagine all the other people in the same boat as you, suffering in a similar way, breathe in their suffering and yours and then breathe out relief or freedom from the pain. You can also do that directly for someone that you see or know of who is suffering. And if you are experiencing joy, you can breathe in the suffering of others and breathe out joy for everyone. This practice helps to reduce our resistance and helps us connect to our compassion. I think it helps us experience how connected we are and how our state of mind and emotions shift like the weather.