Catching up

It will be two weeks tomorrow since we arrived. I finally feel as though I am catching up with myself. The past month has been a whirlwind of packing up our apartment, moving, spending the final precious moments with loved ones, and flying across the ocean to arrive here in our new home. For the first week, we recovered by eating delicous seafood and pasta prepared by Luciana (Giovanni's mother), eating gelato in the evening, and spending four days in their chalet in the moutains.

But that all came to an abrupt end when I woke up one morning and jumped out of bed as soon as I heard Giovanni's mother scolding him in italian, "tu non sei ancora en vacanza" (you are no longer on vacation!) followed by a bunch more italian words sputtered two quickly to decipher. I began neurotically cleaning the bathroom in an attempt to appease my guilt. This was just the beginning of a day that would have me freaking out because I had agreed to cook lunch. I was so intimidated by the idea of having to meet the standard of Giovanni' father, that I ended up burning the pancetta, breaking the cuboard when I slammed it in frustation, and bursting into tears when Luciana came home and found Giovanni dumping the burnt pancetta into the garbage. It was not pretty and I felt really embarrissed. I also had my period and everything seemed impossible. I felt trapped not knowing how to drive or bike safely with a baby. Later I walked with Matteo in the stroller to the health food store and bought quinoa because all of the shops selling food close on wednesday afternoons. I made the family a simple quinoa with vegetables dish, salad and Gianny ate some fresh grana (cheese)afterwards. It was nothing extraordinary but everyone seemed ok and I felt like I had dissolved one more hurdle of perfectionism by not trying so hard and just doing what was easiest.

If there was a theme to this journey so far, and there always is if you look carefully, it seems to be just that: the art of not striving. I recently read Eckhart Tolle's book, A New Earth and initially, it helped me to shift from irritability and resentment (while we were moving) to being able to invoke the witness self, the observer, or THE PRESENCE as he calls it. I could watch myself wanting to go on the roller coaster ride or even going on it and yet some part of me, was not on the roller coaster and so I could see that it was not truly necessary to completely spin out, that there was a deeper self always watching and that the self we perceive ourselves to be is just a very limited tip of the iceberg self. Anyway by the end of the book, i was focusing so much on being present that I was caught again in striving, striving to be or become or arrive somewhere that I am not. Then I happened to open a book on mindful parenting by Jon Kabat-Zinn. There was a phrase about a non-striving, non reactive, non judgemental orientation... This woke me up. Oh I thought, I have been totally striving to be present. And then i realized that i even strive to deepen my breath when i meditate rather than just watch it. So now I am striving not to strive, just kidding, but really I am practicing truly letting things be. Just noticing what is there whether it is anger, anxiety, lonliness, joy ect. without trying to remove it (or preserve it if it is desirable) in an attempt to experience only the more pleasant aspects of the moment. That is another thing that Pema Chrodrin says: can we not make such a big deal about pleasant versus unpleasant? This leads into the other aspect of my experience so far in Italy. I have realized that it is much harder for me to try and live here than bicycle 100 miles a day in a foreign country. Much much harder. I realized that this contrast is actually a metaphor for my life in that I feel much more comfortable with change than remaining still through discomfort. My new challenge is to observe what it feels like to sit through intense feelings like lonliness or anxiety or fear without finding distractions to soften them. It is easier to do this here because I do not have the usual comforts of deep friendships and conversations, family, culture, places like bookstores, mochas, wild nature, or even work. I do, however, have my dypod (an incredibly thoughtful and loving gift of music and pictures from dear friends) whose music has already transformed my airport crabbiness to a much needed cry on the dark airplane ride to Italy. Music has a way of making the present moment (no matter how ugly or painful) feel kind of charming as if you are in a dramatic movie playing the soundtrack of your life.

And so I am here, it is good, it is hard, i made yummy gnocci two nights ago and everyone was happy! Tonight I will attempt Pasta arrabiata for the second time and i may even laugh if i burn the pancetta again. Thank you for being interested in the truth of my experience. It may not be the Italy that everyone raves about - I'll get to that or you can get to that if you come and visit - but it is my italy so far... you know the real one, the one that involves learning to be part of a new family and learning to listen more than talk. These are both hard for me. Love to you all. D